broken record?

I know I keep saying this but I REALLY MEAN IT this time: I'm taking back control of my eating. I've gone WAY over board on the binging and purging. I've gained around 5 pounds. I'm swollen, depressed, and groggy.

I got back on Livestrong and I put the settings at I want to loose 1.5 pounds a week and I weigh 127. So it's giving me a 1300 cal allotment a day. I THINK I can do that (I know I can). even using naughty creamer in my coffee today. I'm gonna buy almond milk and splenda ASAP because the whole coffee/creamer thing does me IN--it's around 300 extra cals a day if not more. Who uses 1tbsp of cream?? And, no, I can't drink it black.... Besides, unsweetened almond milk is only 20 cals for a half cup which is about how much cream I put in my coffee haha.

After that concerned note from hubby the other day, I only thickened the wall between us further. I kept right on doing it and feeling ashamed and doing it more. Avoided close contact with him in case I smell like puke. Not looking him in the eye in case he will see through me. We skipped date night on sat (usually we do it wed & sat. nerdy, sure, but it works) and not a word was spoken about it. Sunday night I said "I guess we're old now". I know damn well it's ME being weird that is keeping us out of the mood.

Then yesterday, I had my usual lunch/naptime session. Kiddo goes down for his nap, I eat my lunch. Then I eat 10 other things and top it off with 2 full size candy bars. I go purge. No one is home except a sleeping kiddo so I am lazy about my routine. Usually I close and lock the door, I didn't this time. Usually I turn on the water full blast, and I didn't. Usually, when I'm done I flush the toilet and go to the running water and wash my hands and mouth. I dry my hands and get a huge piece of toilet paper and blow my nose then wipe down the toilet and flush a couple more times. Yesterday, I just washed my hands and face and left the bathroom cuz I didnt' even have a towel in there. I didn't go back in there again until hubby was home and HE called me in there. I was making dinner. He came and put his arm around me and led me to the bathroom and right away, I knew. I was so horrified. I started shaking and couldn't see right. I was MAKING dinner and I knew I couldn't eat that dinner (pulled pork burritos with chili lime rice and black beans) without purging after. I just couldn't. So I DID eat and then went to 'get a tan' (puke at the tanning salon bathroom WHO DOES THAT??)

This morning I emailed husband that I'm very ashamed for what he saw yesterday and that it has helped me be motivated to MAKE THIS CHANGE I keep talking about. I told him sorry for building a shame wall between us. He said he only wants me to be happy and he knows I can do it and I'm worth it. How fucking cute/sweet is that?? It DID cross my mind that if I'm more careful, I can probably still get away with it. But I confessed that thought right away to my text friend because I don't WANT to do that! I'm so done. I'm so sick of it. so far, this is what I ate today:
loaded coffee ~200
whole grain eggo ~85
butter spray ~05
egg ~70
soup/salad lunch ~340

I went to lunch with my AA sponsor and filled her in. We're working on basically what amounts to exposure therapy for me on some issues that give me anxiety and cause me to run to the kitchen. For example: I have something that is bothering me and I put off even THINKING about it until "later". I distract myself with things like binging and purging. Which ends up stealing HOURS from me every day. Because I have to do it a certain way and bla bla you guys understand. So I have several things which cause that anxiety trigger. We picked one that's "easy" and current. I have to have some lab work done for a dr appt I have coming up next week. First, we made the "appointment" for me to go in on Thursday. I don't need an appointment with the office but we set a day so that I'll actually DO it. Now, every time I think about it, instead of running to the kitchen and saying "I'll worry about that on Thursday", I will write down what I'm thinking about that appointment.

ugh, just writing all this down is making me feel STARVING.

I'm going to tighten up the calories over the next few days. Buy some almond milk and lean cuisines.... I want to do a juice fast again soon but I'm NOT ready yet....

Oh, the doctor appointment is that I need refills on some meds I've been taking forever. I guess I'm supposed to go to the doctor once a year or something. I've never had just plain old "tests" for cholesterol or whatever normal people get just, tested for, on a regular basis. I am paranoid, I never follow through on appointments. The doctor suggests things to me for issues I have like physical therapy for TMJ and I never even CALL physical therapy. I'm afraid someone will think I'm faking. I'm afraid "they" will think I'm stupid. I need some self esteem!!! GAWD. Kay, so we're working on that..... :-)

xo
UPDATE:
I had 1200 calories today. No puking. Feel bloated, full, gassy, gross. I will chug water and feel better in the morning.
Husband and I just had a MUCH NEEDED date in the bedroom WHEEW!! I feel fuzzy all over :-)the bottoms of my feet are tingling.
I bought almond milk and some veggies for juicing. Just a few things and I'll probably have one juice per day for the rest of the week. I got beets, lemons, cucumber, celery, spinach, and carrots.